A journal entry from this last summer:
I just realized that I hold a lot of hatred inside me. Not real intense hatred, like rage, but a pretty strong dislike for certain groups of people or things. Examples of these: extreme republicans, extreme democrats, conservatives, liberals, Christians who’ve got it all figured out, cynics who’ve got it all figured out, nominal Christians, judgmental fundamentalists, radical post-moderns, hypocrites, people who are happy all the time, people who are sad all the time, people who complain all the time, etc, etc, etc. Now, I don’t really think that if an individual who fit into any of these categories came up to me, I would automatically feel hatred for them. But I would probably view them with some sort of bias. It’s mainly that these general categories will get me fired up and almost angry. Why is this? I’m pretty sure I’ve been in most of these categories. Do I hate myself? I hate that I hate so much. I want to love. I want to be a channel for the love of Christ. I realize now that if I say that I want to love just to be an example to others of Christ’s love, it’s sort of like trying to get people to look at me, and justify myself by my own merit. But to have Christ love through me is a different thing. This is a pure love, with no ulterior motives or need for gratitude/acceptance/pride. Purity goes far beyond being sexually clean and keeping my thoughts off dirty things. It is a holistic focus on Christ—the source of all Love and Good and Peace. I learned today that the Hebrew word shalom, which is normally translated peace, goes far beyond just a lack of hostility. It is a completeness, fulfillment; the perfect realization of everything that life was intended to be. This is what Christ came for. This is what my purity aims for. Only in Christ will I find true shalom.
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