Burdened

I've felt very spiritually burdened the past couple days. My goal is to grow as a disciple of Christ, but I'm finding out just how far away I am. I can't get this image out of my mind of Jesus calling Simon and Andrew to come follow Him (Mark 1:16-18). Simon and Andrew "at once" drop their nets and follow Jesus. The nets represent everything that their old live was. I've realized that my whole Christian walk has been me trying to follow Jesus while dragging my nets along at best, or trying to get Jesus to live my fisherman's life with me at worst. My Christian goal hasn't been following Jesus, it's been following my Comfort, and trying to insert Jesus into that. It's not just like trying to fit the square peg into the round hole, it's like trying to fit a life-size person into my round hole (maybe this is because our/my view of Jesus is just too small). It's not going to work, and it has become a burden.

I think that's why real discipleship is so hard for us today as Christians to get, because we're so dragged back by the nets we're still holding on to. And we wonder why we keep struggling to grow. At least I do/did. It will never work like this. It's either my comfortable former life, or Jesus. All or nothing.

Now even though I'm feeling so burdened by this realization, I'm glad that it has come to me, now that I know what needs to be fixed. But I have no clue how to fix it. I feel trapped and captive by this that I don't know how to fix. Today I read John 8:31-32, where Jesus said, "If you hold to my teaching, you are really my disciples. Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free." There it is. Simple, right? Hold to my teaching, and you are really my disciple. Does this mean that I need to go through all of Jesus' teachings again? I'm thinking it might. And then you will know the truth, and this truth will set you free. Maybe this truth is what I'm looking for, of how to fix this. I don't know. I can hope.


On an unrelated note, I've found a great new artist that I really like so far, from what I've heard of him. His name is Phil Wickham, and he's a Christian acoustic rock sound. He's got a great voice, creative music, and deep, poetic, and profound lyrics. Here's the chorus to the song "Mystery":

I wanna hear the thunder of who You are
To be captured inside the wonder of who You are
I wanna live, I wanna breathe, to search out Your heart
And all of Your mystery

I really like that, and it's kind of my longing right now. I need a dose of the greatness and the wonder of God. Maybe that needs to be my push to give it all. I'm praying that God will lead me along this journey and show me what needs to be done. Maybe He'll just keep wearing me down with this burden until it becomes too much and I'm forced to give it up. Whatever happens, I am confident that this is the path and the life that God is leading me towards. And I praise Him that I feel so burdened right now, because I know what it's going to lead to. It's for His glory, and may I never lose sight of that.