Guilt

I couldn't really celebrate Easter yesterday. My sin and temptation have been kicking me in the balls lately, and it sucks, because i feel like it's so much a part of who i am, but i know that it's not what i'm supposed to be. And so often, i don't feel guilty for the sin committed, but i feel guilty because i don't feel guilty. I don't know what else to do. I know the story of Good Friday and Easter, but i've been questioning myself all weekend, "What does this really mean for me?" I couldn't focus on finding an answer, and my sin raged on. I could not enjoy the life of the Resurrection when i was still caught in the death of sin.

I'm reading John Bunyan's Grace Abounding right now for class, and ironically, in the section i'm reading, he's going through much of the same as myself. At one point, God's Spirit struck him one day with a word. He says, "...as I was walking under a hedge, full of sorrow and guilt God knows, and bemoaning myself for this hard hap...suddenly this sentence bolted in upon me, The blood of Christ remits all guilt; at this I made a stand in my spirit" (paragraph 144). I realize that the blood of Christ has freed me from this sin, but why do i still feel so trapped by it? If the blood of Christ remits all guilt, why do i still feel guilty?

But i also realize that "guilt" here is not referring to a feeling, but rather, a state. It's like in a courtroom, and Jesus is my advocate, defending my case before the Father, and by His grace, i am found not guilty. I am guilty of the crime committed, but somehow, through the blood of Christ, i am found not guilty. My state has been changed. Christ did not die for my feelings. He died for my eternal state. So even if i still feel guilty, I can find at least some rest in the knowledge that I am not guilty. I thank God that i am saved, even when i don't feel like it. Thank God that my salvation is not dependent on my feelings, but rather, on His grace that is somehow big enough to cover all of me.