Monastic Journal - Day 2

1/8

Today started very early--7:30am. A little too early for my sleep schedule. We started off with breakfast with all the brothers of the house, and then we moved into morning prayer. This was a great time of consecrating my day to God, and starting it off by worshiping Him. I enjoyed this time a lot. I think I'm already getting more used to the charismatic worship. I felt more comfortable praying out loud today and freeing my spirit to worship God. I'm still struggling though with connecting with God through chanting the psalms. I find it very peaceful and relaxing, but as a form of worship I haven't yet grasped it.

This morning we had teachings by both Tadgh and Brian. Brian talked to us about Christ as our foundation. It really struck me how I can have all these things as foundations of my spiritual life (such as prayer, worship, study and knowledge of Scripture, etc.), but if Christ is not the foundation of these things, then they are worthless.

After lunch, we worked with Mike Kramer on the garage, organizing and cleaning it out. I'm glad they've been putting us to work here, not treating us like guests but like members of their family.

It's been good getting to know some of the other men here. I love hearing their stories of how God has worked in their lives and brought them here.

*SDG

Monastic Journal - Day 1

This is the journal I'm keeping for my independent study J-term, Exploring Modern Monasticism. I've been writing it down in a journal, so I'll try to transfer it here as often as I can.

1/7

After driving through bad roads and an almost blizzard, we arrived at the house in Lansing around 7 or so, much late than they were expecting us. But we were made very welcome. The house here is nothing like I was expecting. It's a tri-plex house, and filled with mostly younger guys--guys who barely seem older than us. They all seem really cool and laid back, and they made us feel very welcome here.

Pretty soon after we got here there was a UCO (University Christian Outreach) meeting, and the house was filled with lots of different people. Tadgh (pronounced like "Tyge"--he's Irish), one of the leaders here, told us to be prepared for charismatic worship, including praying out loud and speaking in tongues. I've been around some charismatic worship, but not much. I've never witness speaking in tongues before. The meeting was very interesting, and very good. The "prayer time" was not what I typically imagine for a prayer time. It consisted of singing songs of worship intermixed with outspoken prayer (by everyone at the same time), Scripture reading, and sharing by various people. The praying out loud part was what was most unusual and uncomfortable for me. I was held back by fear of saying something dumb, and lack of things to say. I know during that time that I wasn't letting go of control over myself and giving everything to God, and for some reason, I couldn't. One of the sisters during the prayer time read out of Zephaniah 3, which talked about the love of God singing over us. I got the feeling that, in these next two weeks, the love of God was going to be too strong for my defenses to hold up against. Part of me knows that's what I need, but part of me seems scared to let it happen, and I do not know why.

After the prayer meeting, there was fun and games. I had a good time playing an intense game of Scattergories. After that was night prayer, which consisted of chanting/singing a psalm or two. It was unusual for me, but it was very soothing, while being reverent at the same time.

I'm really looking forward to what God is going to do in these next two weeks. I really want to learn from these guys and how they live. I had forgotten during most of this time that all of these guys have committed to living single for the Lord. They seem very happy and content, and I want to learn more from them about that, since singleness has been something that God has put on my heart a lot this year.

I'm hoping that I'll be able to sleep well tonight, with sleeping on the floor, and apparently with two loud snorers. Oh well, we'll see.

*SDG

Living with monks!

Today i'm leaving for my J-term class, where i, along with five other guys, will be going up to Michigan to live with monks for two weeks. These aren't traditional, live in a monastery, robe-wearing, weird haircut, silent monks. The organization is called Servants of the Word, and these guys all have regular jobs and stuff, but live together in a spiritual community and support each other. They all have also taken vows of celibacy, to live single for the Lord. I'm really excited about this opportunity. None of us going really know what to expect, since we haven't been given many details about what our day-to-day living will look like, but all i'm really expecting is that God is going to do some great things in my life, and in the lives of those going with me. I'm also really looking forward to getting their perspective on singleness, and i've been praying that God will use this to help me further define His call for me in that area.

I've known for a while (since last summer), that the call to be a disciple requires work on my end, and the practice of spiritual disciplines. But i can never seem to find the motivation to work for it. I'm praying that this adventure will show me the joys of practicing the spiritual disciplines in my life and the joy of finding growth in my relationship with God. So we're about to leave in a couple hours, and i'm just going to give this whole thing up to God, and pray that He does with this as He will. I'm definitely going to be journaling a lot, and i'll try to update on here, but i'm not sure what my access to wireless will be like up there. so we shall see.

Wake up call

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires.
For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love. For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. But if anyone does not have them, he is nearsighted and blind, and has forgotten that he has been cleansed from his past sins."

2 Peter 1: 3-9

This passage hit me really hard in my quiet time tonight. It was the first one I happened to flip open to, and I'm sure that God wanted to hit me over the head with this. Because I feel like so often, I live forgetful of the price that has been paid for my sins. And therefore, I live "ineffective and unproductive" for God. In the Greek, some synonyms for "ineffective" are unemployed, idle, lazy, careless, or useless. Other words for "unproductive" are unfruitful, fruitless, or useless. Those are harsh words. And harsher still is how accurately they often describe my spiritual life. The passage says that these things will keep me from being ineffective and unproductive in my "knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ." I know that in Christ God came to earth for the sake of my salvation and suffered a painful torture and death, only to be resurrected and conquer death--all to bring me new life and reconcile me to God. I know this. But what has this changed in me? This--the greatest thing that has ever happened in the history of the world, and in my personal history--should change everything!! Nothing about the way I live, work, socialize, eat, sleep, breathe should NOT reflect the incredible magnitude of this reality!!

I have faith. That's not usually an issue for me. But goodness? Knowledge? Self-control? Perseverance? Godliness? Brotherly kindness? Love? I think I'm doing okay on a few of these qualities, but I'm nowhere near close to possessing all of them.

May I "make every effort" in pursuit of these things. May I make every effort to apply the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ to my everyday life, and to practice being productive and efficient in working for God's Kingdom.

Advent

"A prison cell, in which one waits, hopes ... and is completely dependent on the fact that the door of freedom has to be opened from the outside, is not a bad picture of Advent."

- Dietrich Bonhoeffer, German pastor and philosopher (1906-1945) imprisoned and executed for his attempt to overthrow Adolf Hitler.

We are lost. We are without hope. Our death is inevitable and impending. We are overwhelmed by our powerlessness.

Advent is the season of waiting. It is the season of reflection. We reflect on the fact of our hopelessness apart from God. Without this, the Joy of Christmas is shallow and fleeting. It's not a celebration if we don't understand what we're celebrating.

Go read this. I can't put it any better.

Pressing On

So this semester did not go as well as I had hoped for spiritually. With all the personal spiritual growth I'd experienced over the summer, it was exciting to apply that to the spiritual community at HU, and at first I thrived. But life--academics, busyness, laziness, etc--caught up with me, and my spiritual life suffered. At times I feel like I failed this semester. I did fine in my classes (I think--grades aren't in yet), but so often I failed as a Christian, as a leader, and as a friend. It's not like I had a crisis of faith or did really terrible things, but I failed to grow, I failed to love, I failed to live out my faith. Even though I'm not one to sugarcoat my life and make everything seem wonderful when it really wasn't (one of my pet peeves), I doubt anyone even noticed. Not that I have unobservant or uncaring friends, but that on the outside, it didn't have much impact. I still lived normally and knew the right things to say. That's almost what bothers me most: the lack of impact. Why doesn't my faith impact the way I live my life? If I'm living for something larger than life, shouldn't that manifest itself in how I live?

Through all of this I'm amazed at God's faithfulness. It's only been in the last few days that I've had the chance to look back and realize that I took several backwards steps on my journey of forward progress in my spiritual life. But even so, God is still faithful. I feel him now urging me onward, despite the lost ground. He is truly unconditional. Unchanging. I've messed up His will for me, and He loves me no less. He helps me no less. That's really amazing.

I feel that right now I can accurately echo the words of Paul in Philippians:

...but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind, and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

So I will press on. I want to praise God for His faithfulness, and to work more for His will and His Kingdom. I don't want my faith to be circumstantial. I don't want my faith to not have an impact, on my life or the lives of others.

Yay! Blogger works again!

For the past week or so, Blogger hasn't been working for me for some reason, which has been frustrating. Not too much has been going on. I'm in the middle of finals week at HU, which is going decently well. Last week my big accomplishment was finishing up my research paper for systematic theology, which I did on infant baptism. Doing this paper changed the way I think about baptism and its meaning and consequence. So here's the paper if you're interested in reading it:

A Theology of Infant Baptism

Publish at Scribd or explore others: Christianity Religion covenant theology Jesus Christ

Opposite, but not equal

I've been thinking recently about how many opposite forces are not in fact opposites. Some of these that would typically be "opposites" are hot vs. cold, light vs. dark, good vs. evil, God vs. the devil, etc (I can't think of any more right now, but I'm sure there are more). But when I really think about these, they are not opposites, but one is usually the absence of the other. Darkness is merely the absence of light, cold is merely the absence of heat. So thus it follows that Evil is merely the absence of Good, and the devil/sin is merely the absence of God. It is common orthodox theology that the forces of the spiritual realm are not dualistic in nature (i.e. two forces forever equally pitted against each other), but that God is the much greater being, and the devil is merely a rebel who has fallen from the ultimate Good, and thus not at the same level as God and His Goodness. And, as C.S. Lewis put it, "badness is simply spoiled goodness."

So, when put in perspective of our lives, if the evil in us is merely the absence of God, then the answer is to fill our lives more and more with God, and chase out the evil. I see it kind of like a container that is two opposing substances that don't intermix, and there is constantly adjustments made as to which substance takes up more space in the container (us). We were meant for God and his goodness, but it has been spoiled by evil and sin. If we continue to fill our lives with good, there is no room for evil.

So let us fill our lives with good. Let us pursue God, the source of all goodness. Let's chase out evil with good, not only in our lives, but in this world. As Edmund Burke said, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing." We complain about the sin in this world, but then don't do anything about it. Don't let your lives be about the absence; fill it with the source.

St. Augustine on Love and Lust

I'm currently reading "Confessions" by St. Augustine. It continues to amaze me that this man who lived around 1700 years or so ago can still speak to my struggles and sorrows and joys today. The vulnerability of his writing and the philosophy of his thinking astound me. I'm not very far into the book still, but every so often there will come a section that hits me hard, right where I'm at. I read such a section today, and I want to share it:

Book III.1

"I went to Carthage, where I found myself in the midst of a hissing cauldron of lust. I had not yet fallen in love, but I was in love with the idea of it, and this feeling that something was missing made me despise myself for not being more anxious to satisfy the need. I began to look around for some object for my love, since I badly wanted to love something. I had no liking for the safe path without pitfalls, for although my real need was you, my God, who are the food of the soul, I was not aware of this hunger. I felt no need for the food that does not perish, not because I had had my fill of it, but because the more I was starved of it the less palatable it seemed. Because of this my soul fell sick. It broke out in ulcers and looked about desperately for some material, worldly means of relieving the itch which they caused. But material things, which have no soul, could not be true objects for my love. To love and to have my love returned was my heart's desire, and it would be all the sweeter if I could also enjoy the body of the one who loved me.
So I muddied the stream of friendship with the filth of lewdness and clouded its clear waters with hell's black river of lust. And yet, in spite of this rank depravity, I was vain enough to have ambitions of cutting a fine figure in the world. I also fell in love, which was a snare of my own choosing. My God, my God of mercy, how good you were to me, for you mixed much bitterness in that cup of pleasure! My love was returned and finally shackled me in the bonds of its consummation. In the midst of my joy I was caught up in the coils of trouble, for I was lashed with the cruel, fiery rods of jealousy and suspicion, fear, anger, and quarrels."

With all my thoughts this past year about love and singleness, this really spoke to me. Augustine's description of the process of falling in love with the idea of love is spot on with what I've experienced. As long as I continue to seek after nourishment that is perishable, I'll continue to struggle and be left unsatisfied. So often I'm not hungry for the nourishment of God because I haven't had it in so long. It became "less palatable."

Augustine is one of my new heroes.

I'm Thankful for...

Breaks from school and all the stress that comes from my responsibilities and commitments there.

My family and how much closer I've grown to them this past year.

My friends at HU, some of the best people I know on earth.

My friendships here at home that have stood the tests of time and distance, and even grown stronger.

Sigur Ros' music, which moves me like none other.

Leftover turkey sandwiches.

Late nights at Johnson's Junction.

Playing guitar and singing in the stairwell, which makes my playing and my voice sound awesome (when they're really not).

Laughter, especially the uncontrollable kind.

Really good naps.

The low price of gas right now.

Pretty much all of the faculty/staff/administration at HU. They are awesome, and I know that they really care.

Singleness.

The things that I learn and can apply to my life.

Joel and Justin's womb.

People who are encouraging.

A God who continually forgives and loves and works in me despite how much I screw up.

The Church, and efforts toward unity in the Body of Christ.

God who has called me and chooses to work through me.

The sacrifice of Jesus Christ for my sake and for the sake of His Church, reconciling God's people to Himself.

Freedom in Christ.

The hope of a new creation.



There are lots others, I'm sure, but I can't think of them right now. I have so much to thank God for. My hope is that this gratitude doesn't only express itself one day out of the year.

Digging up old journal entries

A journal entry from this last summer:

I just realized that I hold a lot of hatred inside me. Not real intense hatred, like rage, but a pretty strong dislike for certain groups of people or things. Examples of these: extreme republicans, extreme democrats, conservatives, liberals, Christians who’ve got it all figured out, cynics who’ve got it all figured out, nominal Christians, judgmental fundamentalists, radical post-moderns, hypocrites, people who are happy all the time, people who are sad all the time, people who complain all the time, etc, etc, etc. Now, I don’t really think that if an individual who fit into any of these categories came up to me, I would automatically feel hatred for them. But I would probably view them with some sort of bias. It’s mainly that these general categories will get me fired up and almost angry. Why is this? I’m pretty sure I’ve been in most of these categories. Do I hate myself? I hate that I hate so much. I want to love. I want to be a channel for the love of Christ. I realize now that if I say that I want to love just to be an example to others of Christ’s love, it’s sort of like trying to get people to look at me, and justify myself by my own merit. But to have Christ love through me is a different thing. This is a pure love, with no ulterior motives or need for gratitude/acceptance/pride. Purity goes far beyond being sexually clean and keeping my thoughts off dirty things. It is a holistic focus on Christ—the source of all Love and Good and Peace. I learned today that the Hebrew word shalom, which is normally translated peace, goes far beyond just a lack of hostility. It is a completeness, fulfillment; the perfect realization of everything that life was intended to be. This is what Christ came for. This is what my purity aims for. Only in Christ will I find true shalom.

Love in Weakness

In Greek, there are multiple words that in English we translate "love." Our English translation doesn't really do justice to the nuances between the different words that we translate as the same. Two of the most common words for love in Greek are the verbs phileo and agapao. Phileo connotes a love of friendship, or affection between friends or family. The city of Philadelphia is a combination of the words phileo and adelphos, which means "brother"--thus, it is the City of Brotherly Love. This phileo love is prompted by an emotion felt between friends or family.

Agapao is a higher kind of love. It is a love that regards something as more important than yourself, and places its will above your own. It is to cherish something with reverence, and it is willing to give up everything for the object of it's love. It is a tendency of the will rather than an emotion. One definition states: ἀγαπάω denotes to take pleasure in the thing, prize it above other things, be unwilling to abandon it or do without it. In a sense, agapao love is often the cause of phileo love. Agapao is used to tell of God's love for people and the world. It is a higher, self-sacrificial, deliberately willing love.

These definitions are interesting to note when we look at the last chapter of the Gospel of John. It is after Jesus has been resurrected and appears to His disciples. He approaches Peter, who just a few days earlier had betrayed Jesus by denying association with Him. He asks Peter a blunt question: "Do you truly agapao me?" Peter, full of shame at his denial, can only tell the truth before his Lord, who knows all things before they are said. He responds bluntly, with "Yes, Lord, you know that I phileo you." Jesus responds, "Feed my lambs."

Peter knows that his actions have shown his heart, and he is honest in his confession that he is not where Jesus expects him to be. He cannot say truthfully that he agapao loves Jesus with this sacrificial love that Jesus asks and expects of him. How awkward is this? It would be like today if a guy told his girlfriend "I love you" for the first time, and was met with the response of "Yeah, I like you a lot, too." How humiliating this must have been for Peter, who is met head-on with his guilt and shame in the presence of his Lord Jesus.

Jesus asks Peter a second time, "Do you agapao me?" To which Peter can only respond again, "Yes, Lord, you know that I phileo you." Jesus responded with, "Take care of my sheep."

Then the third time Jesus says to Peter, "Simon son of John, do you phileo me?" This time Jesus concedes to Peter's position, to make sure that he loves him even with a phileo love. Now Peter is hurt. Not only did Jesus ask him this question a third time, but the third time stung even more because Jesus was questioning even his phileo love. Peter responds, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I phileo you." Peter is basically saying to Jesus, "You know everything about me and how weak I am. You know that this phileo is all I have to give right now in my weakness."

This is such an interesting passage that we completely miss over in our English translations. It's kind of depressing too, because this is Peter, the rock upon which Jesus is going to build His Church! This is that same Peter, saying that he can't really love Jesus enough! But this isn't where the story ends. After Peter's third response, Jesus says to him,

"Feed my sheep. I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go" Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"

By telling Peter that someday he would end up dying to glorify God, Jesus is basically saying to him, "You do not agapao love me now, but you will. Someday it will come down to you giving your life up for me, which is the same kind of self-sacrificing love that I have for you." There is hope for Peter. Someday he will glorify God in the highest form possible, because of his agapao love for Him. I imagine that, while standing before Jesus in his shame, Peter really wants to say that he agapao loves Jesus, but just can't. Jesus tells him that he will get there someday, and in the meantime, to follow Him anyway and tend His sheep.

If you are really honest with yourself, can you truly say that you agapao love Jesus? Does our love for Jesus often stop once it stops being convenient or comfortable for us? Can we really say that we will give up everything and regard Jesus as so much greater that ourselves because of our love for Him?

Jesus knows our weaknesses. He knows that a lot of the time we don't live up to expectations. But still he says to us, "Follow me," regardless of where we are at. If we really desire to know agapao love for Christ, he promises us that we will. It doesn't matter that we are not perfect. None of Jesus original disciples were. Jesus still tells us to follow him and gives us the responsibility of feeding His sheep. He trusts us enough to know that we will grow. Jesus' agapao love he shows in dying for us and then trusting us in our imperfections is what will lead us on to grow in our agapao love for Him. Jesus works in us despite our weaknesses. He says to us, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in your weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9).

Not Voting to Make my Voice Heard

I am not voting today.

For the last several months I have had so much propaganda thrown at me from both parties to vote for the right candidate, as well as non-partisan urgings to get out and vote because it's my civic duty. I'm just tired of it. I'm ready for tomorrow to come so all the commercials will be over.

I made the conscious decision not to vote a while ago. I've written about this in a previous note, but when Christians put so much hope in the power of the voting booth and in one man to save us all from the woes of the opposing party, this is idolatry. Christians, our faith is not to be in a political system. The Kingdom of God, which is what we should be striving for, is far above this. And for Christians to vote for the candidate who most represents Christ in their policies and character, and expect them to fulfill the duties of the Church while we sit back and live our comfortable lives is irresponsible of us. If we want change, it needs to start with us, not with our politics. If you think that spreading the wealth is the most Christ-like policy, don't just let Obama take care of it, start doing it yourself. This is what Christ has commanded us.

I know that Christians need to be active in our world. I know that voting is often a part of that. But at this point in my life, this is the best way I know how to "make my voice heard." This is my way of being active politically and spiritually. My hope is that Christians will wake up and look beyond the propaganda to see how Christ has called us to live in this world. My hope is that Christians will stop putting their hope in a political system and start being active in their own communities to bring change. My hope is that people will start taking personal responsibility for bringing hope into this world rather than relying on one man and a government to do so. This is how I'm choosing to make my voice heard this election. I'm not judging you for voting by any means, but I just hope to raise awareness that Christ has called us to something greater than a political system.

I think this election has changed the idea of Christian voting. I know it has for me, even though I haven't voted previously. Our faith shouldn't be dominated by any one political party. I hope that this election makes people really think about why they vote and where our responsibility as citizens of this great nation and as citizens of the Kingdom of God cross paths.

The Fear of Knowledge

During my quiet time i just had to ask myself a difficult question: Have i grown at all over these past several years? I'm not thinking about mental or emotional or physical growth, but rather spiritual growth. i know that i've matured mentally and emotionally and all that, but spiritually, has there been much change? some times i want to say yes and some times i have to say no. i've learned a lot more about my faith, that's for sure. i love being a Bible major. there's nothing else i would rather study than the Bible. but in times like this it feels like a burden. there's so many more things i know about now about God and the Bible than i did 3 years ago, but how has that impacted my spiritual life? it feels like a burden when i learn of these things from the Bible that most likely never happened. sometimes i think i feel scared to research too much--scared of what i might find, that it will make my faith crumble and i won't have anything left to stand on. my methodology when it comes to research and study is that if you go into your study with a bias, you skew the truth, so i've always tried to analyze objectively and trust that the objective truth will point to Jesus (which, ironically, is still a bias). i'm scared of what i might find if i'm too objective. i'm scared that none of this will be true. i've built my whole life on this stuff. i'm nothing without it anymore. two summers ago, when i had a huge crisis of faith, and i was considering giving up and walking away, the only thing that held me back from that was that Christianity is my whole life, my major, my career path, my social circle--everything. if i walk away from that, i'm nothing. it was fear that held me back, even though i'm glad it did.

i know that there's a big difference between book knowledge and really knowing God. i could study all my life and read every book about Christianity and never get closer to God as a result. so where has all this newfound knowledge gotten me? there's so much of the Christian faith that i'm not even sure i believe in anymore, at least in my day to day living. i don't really believe in miracles, at least nowadays. i'm not sure how i feel about prayer. it was so much easier when i was a teenager and on fire for God, coupled with a blissful ignorance of the realities of the Bible and history.

i do think that knowledge is good. i am glad that i know all these things. but it just scares the crap out of me sometimes and my desire to hold on to some of that lost innocence keeps me from seeking more. my prayer is that God will show me how to turn my knowledge into an application of the heart. a quote by Brennan Manning that i love (and need) is "…intelligence without courage is bankrupt. The truth of faith has little value when it is not also the life of the heart." so may God give me courage. to do what i don't really know. but i need some.

The Idolatry of Politics

Go read this great article by Greg Boyd, a theologian whose ideas, although open theistic and sometimes pretty radical, I really respect.

It bothers me that so many people in our country treat politics like a religion. It bothers me that if you're not one of those people who touts Barack Obama likes he is the Messiah, you're one of those who denounces him like he's the anti-Christ. It bothers me that people put so much of their hope and security in the voting booth. It really bothers me that so many Christians think this is okay.

I haven't decided yet if I'm going to vote. It's not just that I'm apathetic about both candidates (which is true), but I think it's almost my own little rebellion from this system of idolatry. People tell me that voting is my chance to have my voice heard, and if I don't vote, I won't have the right to complain later if things don't go my way. That seems like such petty reasoning to me by those who may put too much hope in our system of politics. I find my hope in Christ, whose Kingdom is not of this world. The Kingdom of God is a higher priority to me than any "kingdoms" of this world. Not to say that I'm rebelling against America or am not grateful for the benefits and freedoms of living here. But to put so much importance on America because some might call it "God's nation" is borderline idolatry to me.

Christians: to put our hope in a worldly system of politics is not okay. To live in a way that is consumed by this system of politics is not okay, because we are supposed to be living for a greater Kingdom.